Monday, July 18, 2011

I NEED THIS BOOK



I think the title of this blog says it all. Like a teenage girl at a Justin Bieber concert, I've been known to crush, and crush hard.

Fortunately for my pride (as well as The Bean), I tend to crush on horses and books.

I stumbled across a new book during my internet forays this weekend, and now I can't think of anything else. I MUST OWN THIS BOOK:




It's a spoof on romance novels and the Twilight series. Need I say more?


Here is an excerpt:


“I wouldn’t drink that poison if I were you.”

He spoke with a slight accent, reminding Smella of a lonely soul from another place, another time. Or maybe just a British guy trying to sound like he was from nineteenth century Boston.

Smella’s eyes widened. Her gaze shot to the beer, then back to the stranger. “What poison?”

“You can’t pin anything on me!” The bartender hollered while stumbling backward, before falling against a shelf of beer mugs.

Locked in the stranger’s dark gaze, Smella ignored the sound of crashing glass. She was more interested in his perfectly kissable blood red lips and the cold, impenetrable aura that radiated off his stony features.

“Alcohol destroys your kidneys.” The stranger flashed a subdued smile, revealing pearly white, jagged teeth.

“You’re right.” Turning down her lips in disgust, Smella pushed away the offending glass. “Thank you for berating my choice of beverage. Throughout this novel, you may occasionally behave like a total control freak, but I know you are only concerned for my well-being, and because I am a woman, obviously I’m too stupid to act in my own best interest.”

Somewhere in the darkest recesses of her mind, she thought she heard the obese bartender scream, “Help me! I’m bleeding everywhere!” But she refused to let him ruin the romantic tension that she was trying to build with the tall pasty stranger. Leaning toward him, she playfully batted long lashes while twirling a lock of hair around her finger.

But the stranger didn’t respond to her flirtation. He was too busy pinching his nose and making a gagging sound.

She scooted back. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.” He spoke through a wheeze. “I have to go.”

In a flash, he was gone.

Smella was confused, bewildered, frightened, rejected, vulnerable, hurt, self-conscious and irritated.

But never mind her PMS.

She was more concerned about her awkward encounter with the kind stranger.


It's not the cleanest writing ever... but who cares? I think I may even want it just for the cover. I mean, kilts are sexy, right?

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5 Comments:

Blogger Dom said...

Hilarious <3

July 18, 2011 at 11:49 AM  
Anonymous My Bad Pants said...

It would be hard for me to read a parody of Twilight since I think Twilight reads like a bad parody of the entire Paranormal Romance genre all smashed together minus the actual wit, charm, charisma, or strength-of-character most romance novels try to imbue in their heroines.

(Remember, my mommy wrote bestselling romance novels for Pocket Books for twenty years...I'm rather partial to the genre even if it's not my personal cup o' tea.)

I tend to think Twilight is what happens when an otherwise talented writer inexplicably forgets to make his/her heroine think/act/function/behave like a female (or baring female, how about merely rational) human being.

A parody of Twilight just can't be as bad as Twilight because Twilight's true failing is that it's that bad unintentionally.

So, I'd be forced to buy this book just for the cover. And since I could pose for the cover, I'm not sure that would make me laugh.

July 19, 2011 at 11:31 AM  
OpenID oregonsunshine said...

I'm not following my husband. So, if you don't, don't worry! You're not alone!

As for Twilight, besides the elementary school level writing and word usage, Ms. Meyer didn't bother to do her research on the places she wrote about first. You do not get to Seattle via Olympia from Forks. Or, well, you could. But then you're missing the multiple ferries and Tacoma Narrows Bridge which would save you, oh, 3-5 hours of driving time, depending on which you chose.

Lack of research and simpering, whiny, must-depend-on-a-man females just aren't my cup of tea. Most romances have heroines made of sterner stuff than Bella Swan. And frankly, pretty much anything is a better read.

July 19, 2011 at 7:40 PM  
Blogger Alicia P. said...

Can we split it and share it? It looks like it's full of giggles. I couldn't take twilight and started spoofing it outloud myself everytime it got mentioned... This looks brilliant.

Ali

July 20, 2011 at 4:02 AM  
Blogger AareneX said...

Okay, Becky, now you've done it: I'm going to have to turn my entire house upside down to find my recording of Beth Horner's hilarious story "Encounter with a Romance Novel" to play on the radio this Sunday. It is perfect for you.

p.s. one of my dearest high school friends now writes paranormal romance/erotica as a sideline. I'm not old enough to read them yet.

July 21, 2011 at 5:54 PM  

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