Thursday, September 23, 2010

Ode to Pregnancy


ODE TO PREGNANCY
Sung to the tune of "Home on the Range"
Lyrics by me

Oh, give me some time
And I’ll sing you a rhyme!
Of the “miraculous bliss” of pregnancy
Where seldom is heard
A favorable word
Because I’m busy puking desperately!

Oooooooh! The wondrous joys of gestation!
I never thought that I’d miss my menstruation!
For some chocolate I yearn
But it’d give me heartburn
I’m daydreaming of my husband’s castration!

The world’s stinky and smelly,
Get your hands off my belly
No, I’m just fat--I’m not having twins.
I’m large and rotund.
Yes! I’m SURE there’s just one.
You’re hilarious. You’re such the comedienne.

Ooooo, how I love being with child!
My back hurts. I’m grumpy and riled.
My cankles are swelling
My acne’s rebelling
Exaggerating? No, this is me being mild.

I’m nauseous and spotty,
And I live on the potty,
Because my bladder’s the size of a pea
My waistline’s expanding,
I’m annoyed and demanding
What the hell? Is that a stretch mark on me?

OOOooo! I love being knocked up!
My cha-chas have gone up two whole cups!
Sadly so has my rear,
My thighs, and I fear…
Did I just feel a backroll? Ayup.

When I finally give birth
I’ll know that it’s worth
All this pain and discomfort supreme
But until that day,
I’ve just one thing to say:
GO AWAY. Unless you’re bringing ice cream.

Ooooooo The wonderous joys of gestation!
I never thought that I’d ever miss menstruation!
For some chocolate I yearn
But it’d give me heartburn
Yes! I’m daydreaming of my husband’s castration!


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4 Comments:

Blogger Veronica said...

This is hilarious.

September 23, 2010 at 5:52 PM  
OpenID oregonsunshine said...

Poor Becky!

September 23, 2010 at 6:25 PM  
Blogger AareneX said...

Thanks, Becky--you have confirmed that I've made good choices for these last decades, and completely avoided pregnancy.

(The fact that the universe has recently presented me with teenagers of my very own shows that the universe has a very perverse sense of humor.)

September 23, 2010 at 8:02 PM  
Blogger mugwump said...

I'm sorry.
Add an OBGYN who begins every sentence with "When older women have a child....."

September 27, 2010 at 4:30 PM  

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