Friday, November 11, 2011

Sexual Harassment

Hey, do you all remember my poor coworker from this post?


You know - the one I basically called a hooker?

Well, she has her own office in the building, just like me.

Unfortunately for her, unlike me my fancy-schmancy office, she does not have her own personal thermostat.

When I walk into my office early in the morning, I crank up the heater, and five minutes later I'm nice and toasty.

Because, you know, it's just absolutely frigid down here in Southern California. I mean, sometimes I actually have to hold my Starbucks without the insulated coffee sleeve to warm my hands.

Can I hear an Amen out there?

It's okay, don't feel sorry for me. I'm a survivor.

Anyways, on those chilly mornings, while I am in my nice, toasty office with my personal heater, my poor coworker is freezing. I have no idea why her office is a good twenty degrees colder than the rest of the office, but it is. Maybe her heater vent is shut off.  Maybe it faces on the wrong side of the building. Maybe it's haunted by an ice spirit.  Like I said, I don't know what it's so cold, but it is cold. Very cold. As in, I'm-not-actually-being-a-weenie-it's-legitimately-cold COLD.

Yes. THAT cold.

To make matters worse, while I have accumulated a nice, thick, totally attractive layer of pregnancy ..... post baby .... fashionably curvy ....winter fat to keep me warm, my coworker is a tiny little thing. She's all bones, and sinew, and lean muscle.... which doesn't help her stay warm at all.

Anyways, earlier this week I walked in to hand her some mail and saw her huddled miserably in front of her computer, rubbing her hands briskly together in an effort to stave off hypothermia.

I had just finished a brisk walk around the office, and coupled with the fact that I had worn a sweater and had accidentally set my personal thermostat too high, I was warm. As in, hot.

"Wow, you look cold."

She nodded miserably, chafing her hands together a little faster before reaching out to grab the mail.

Our hands touched briefly - or rather, I should say my hand met her tiny little ice blocks she carried on the ends of her wrist. I've touched snowballs with more heat in them.

"Oh, WOW. You are really cold." I reached forward and grabbed her hands in mine, trying to share some of my warmth with her.

"Oh, wow..." She breathed. "You feel so good."

I couldn't help myself. I mean, you would have done the same, right?

"That's what she said!" I boomed, without thinking.

We both stared at each other for an uncomfortable moment, unsure what to say next, both feeling incredibly awkward about the fact that I was standing there, intimately cupping her hands in my own.

"Well, yeah, uh, I've got, uh... work. Ha. You know?" I dropped her hands and raced back to my office.

Who signed off on letting me out in public?

Seriously, whoever was manning quality control on that particular day really needs to be fired.



Blogger Fiwen said...

Bahhaha! I shouldn't laugh at the social awkwardness of others, but I just couldn't help it... Your blog always cheers me up :')

November 11, 2011 at 3:21 PM  
Blogger AareneX said...

Neener neener neener! You aren't getting ME fired because I'm laughing out loud in the library at your rapier wit, Miss Becky.

In fact, I didn't even splatter my monitor with spewed tea.

Ha! So there! Neener!

I do, alas, have whipped cream in my hair, a result of trying to self-muzzle my scream of delight while holding a cup of faux hot-chocolate.

If you understand how little hair I have, you will appreciate the elegance of the manuever.


November 11, 2011 at 8:12 PM  
Blogger AareneX said...

p.s. my word verification is "hyperz". Now how on earth will I use THAT in an amusing sentence on your blog? I'm stumped.

November 11, 2011 at 8:14 PM  
Blogger Dom said...

I love you so much. <3 We should go out in public together.

November 12, 2011 at 9:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I <3 you!

November 12, 2011 at 5:44 PM  
Blogger Bookmaster said...

HA! My friend did this same thing, only she said "your momma", and then realized his momma was the sweet little lady that goes to our church and works in the nursery. Awkward moment.

November 12, 2011 at 7:20 PM  
Blogger Snipe said...

This is an old post, but I totally get it. Totally. The other day, I was in a hardware store with one of my female coworkers. She and I were picking up some supplies for work. I walked by a toilet plunger display and noticed one that had a clear plastic handle with textured knobby things up toward the top, where you would grip it. I stopped and marveled, because plastic seems like an excellent idea if you're concerned about sanitizing the plunger, and the knobby things seemed like they would offer excellent grip. I pointed it out to my coworker and she immediately blushed and started tittering, saying, "I don't know what I think about that!"

I looked at the plunger again and saw what she saw. It looked like a big, clear, plastic dildo attached to a plunger, and I had made a point of showing it to her. I stammered in humiliation and we walked hurriedly to a different area of the store. It was so awkward I couldn't think of where to start apologizing.

October 16, 2014 at 4:40 PM  

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