Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Still Pregnant...

Welcome to The Blog of Becky:

How NOT to give birth.


My friend who was due two weeks ahead of me now has a happy, healthy 5 week old baby.

My OTHER friend who isn't due for another two weeks just gave birth last night.

The Squidgelet, on the other hand, appears to be dug in like a tick and showing no signs of evacuating any time soon.

Spicy food is ineffective.

Walking is nice exercise, but it doesn't really do anything.

Nipple stimulation, which is about as sexy as it sounds, can bring on contractions, but as soon as I stop, they stop.

Raspberry tea tastes like crap... AND it's ineffective.

Prostaglandins applied, errr... well... "Bean"-ically... well, let's just say that it's more fun than gallons of raspberry tea, but it's still not really doing anything.

Plus, sex while 1,342 weeks pregnant (or is it just 41 weeks? I get confused...) kind of resembles a toddler attacking a Weeble-Wobble:

I sincerely doubt they're going to be choosing The Bean and I to be the feature stars in any naughty movies anytime soon.

As far as progress, I have no idea if anything is even happening down there. My doctor hasn't checked me to see if I'm dilated at all, and frankly, I'm okay with that.

For those of you who are blissfully ignorant, starting a few weeks before your due date many doctors will start checking to see if your cervix has "dilated" or are "effaced" at all.

The easiest way to understand what these terms mean is to think of a mayonnaise jar vs. a ketchup bottle.

When you are not pregnant, your cervix is shaped like the mouth of a ketchup bottle... very narrow (not dilated at all) and rather long (not effaced at all).

As you progress through labor, your cervix dilates (going from closed to a gaping 10 centimeters wide in diameter) and effaces (growing thinner and thinner, until like a mayonnaise jar there's barely any "bottleneck".

Back before I was pregnant, I always assumed there was a fancy, special little instrument that they delicately placed against your belly and threw back some kind of electronic reading of your labor progress.

Here is an artist's depiction of how I thought this would go down:

Hah. Hah, hah, hah. Oh, how I wish.

Oh, no. No, no, no....

The reality is a lot worse than that. When a doctor checks to see your progress.. basically, he just rolls up his sleeves and diiiiiives on in.

He doesn't even buy you a drink first, or make small talk.

It is, quite possibly, the most awkward experience a woman will ever go through.

To make it even worse, my doctor doesn't even have the normal stirrup-type tables that I've grown accustomed to. Instead, he has these evil torture-chamber type chairs that mechanically flip you upside down like a beached turtle while he pokes about.

It basically goes down like this:

Thankfully, my experiences in the chair of torture have been few and far between. This is because I have the laziest doctor EVER. My appointments with him last between 45 seconds to a minute, and consist of him wandering in, asking if I have any questions, and wandering out.

I would complain, and ask him to be a little more proactive, but I have my reasons for keeping him at bay.

In fact, they are two very solid reasons.

Two very large, solid, GIGANTIC reasons.

My Ob/Gyn has hands like a silverback gorilla.

I'm not sure what I'm dreading more--- labor, or the thought of having his gigantic hams coming anywhere near my va-jay-jay.

Oh, the joys of pregnancy.

Labels: ,


Blogger JJ said...

Oh my gosh, are you telling me they stick their entire hand into the hoo-ha? No...not possible, nuh-uh. Yikes!

I hope you have baby in arms soon! :)

January 26, 2011 at 9:54 AM  
Anonymous Diane said...

LOL Becky ... you crack me up!! I can't wait to see the baby & trust me have kept myself from emailing/texting you so I just ask your sister! lol Hope your baby comes sooner rather than later!!

January 26, 2011 at 10:42 AM  
Blogger AareneX said...

I am going to forward your posts about pregnancy to the local junior high health teacher--your words of wisdom have GOT to be more effective than their current sex ed/contraception program!

January 26, 2011 at 10:52 AM  
Anonymous Veronica said...

Isn't pregnancy just so mcuh fun? And dignified too!

Amy stayed in 2 weeks past her due date - I was ready to cut myself open and drag her out. Am pretty sure you can't stay pregnant forever though, right? You'd be a medical mystery. Heh, sounds like something that could only happen to you.

I'm not making you feel any better, am I?

January 26, 2011 at 6:57 PM  
Blogger Rising Rainbow said...

Unfortunately, it'll get here when it gets here. There's nothing fun about the process at this end.

January 27, 2011 at 8:31 AM  
Blogger mugwump said...

Those great big hammy hands will be able to capture your squidlet when he comes shooting out like a greased monkey. No worries!

January 27, 2011 at 1:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just as awful are the OB/GYN's with tiny, little hands and fingers. I think you must have to pass a size test to become an OB/GYN. Well, since we have signs that state how tall you have to be (or not) for rides and the ball pit, why not OB school? Can't you just picture it? "Your hands must be <--------> big to become a doctor, not more, not less."

January 29, 2011 at 8:40 PM  
Blogger River said...

Don't be too concerned, Becky. Bubs is just waiting for cooler weather. Or warmer, depending on which hemisphere you're in.
I used to hate "those" check ups too.

January 29, 2011 at 10:41 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home